February 7, 2011

Do we ever settle down and accept us as we are. I have found that as I get older I am still searching. Searching seems to be my constant state of mind. As a child I was searching for affirmation from my parents, friends and even myself. The teen age years were just as difficult. I was never good enough or so I thought. Never pretty enough or smart enough, never able to speak out when I should, but speaking up when it was better to keep silent. Always one step behind or two steps ahead. I have always found it difficult to conform and be part of the pack. Going through life at times have been difficult, unpredictable, enjoyable, but never at a steady stride. There are times when I envy the person who sails through life with such ease. Now in my fifties I am still paddling at a furious pace. I thought years ago that life would smooth out, times would get easier. I would have found my direction and have no more doubts, fears and bouts of ackwardness. I would become perfect, knowing what to say and to do in any circumstance. That has not happened yet. I am still searching. but maybe it is more good than it is bad. When I stop searching maybe I will cease to exist.

February 7, 2011

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